Chapter XVI: Grimace and the Clock

Today, boys and girls, we'll look at Chapter 16, Grimace and the Clock. Of course, our main character is the affable, and rotund, Romeo Crennel. Nobody has looked more like a folk character from McDonalds since Carrot Top was actually relevant and turned in to the offspring of Ronald McDonald and inspiration for the Super Smash Bros. game, the lovable roller skating comic Gallagher. Craig Monroe tried to do his best Hamburglar impression, but it probably was not even a real leather belt.

Let's read through this picture book with the help of Braylon Edwards. Always giving back to the community. Apparently, his next gig will be as Speed Racer. Which sucks for Emile Hirsch because his only other career achievement was making out with Elisha Cuthbert in The Girl Next Door.

Enough prefacing. Braylon, would you please help us tell this fascinating story?

"Chapter 16, Grimace and the Cock."

"That's clock, Braylon. Clock. If I were to use it in a sentence, we could say, 'Braylon was clocked at 120 miles per hour on I-90 with a passenger puking in his Bentley'. I guess you were one of those people to receive "points" on your University of Michigan application, weren't you?"

"OK. Grimace and the Clock. It was a windy Cleveland night, garbage blowing all over the field. Why does this picture include Derek Anderson? And this other guy, who's he?"

That's Donte Stallworth. The Vagisil didn't help his quad and he couldn't make it to the game. Damnit, Braylon. Can't you hold on to that book?

"Sorry."

Please continue.

"As the first half drew to a close, the game was close. How? Nobody knows. The Browns had a great drive late in the 2nd and leave it to trusty Grimace to wreck it."

The drive that gave Cleveland fans hope was a 14-play 71 yard march downfield with a couple of great third down conversions by Derek Anderson, his only glimmer of brilliance on the day. The drive ended at the Pittsburgh 2 with a Troy Polamalu interception on a forced throw due to time constraints by Crennel's lack of time management skills. After getting to a 3rd & 2 situation inside the 15, Crennel and Anderson culminated the disaster by running another play with about 15 seconds left. Anderson's 6'6" frame lunged for the first down, leaving the Browns with 1st & goal, a prayer, and the span of a virgin's first time to conduct a proper play.

"Wait, wait. What's wrong with speeding in a Bentley?"

Calm down, Braylon. We've just had bad luck with Bentleys, that's all.

"After halftime, the teams traded three in third. Crennel's last decision was the day's biggest turd."

In a game where the Pittsburgh Steelers scored on two possessions, the Browns still managed to lose.

The Browns put together another 14 play drive going deep into the fourth quarter. Then came 4th & 7. 3:21 remained on the clock. Grimace, now even more super sized than at the start of the game, likes field goals in the 4th quarter. Phil Dawson gets a Big Mac for kicking the 31 yarder. The 55 mph winds kept the kick on line.

The Browns needed a three and out. They forced Pittsburgh in to one three & out during the game. A game in which throwing the ball was more difficult than getting Eric Wedge to go through an interview without using the word 'grinding' or any other form of the verb 'grind'.

Willie Parker averages 109 yards per game against Cleveland. Taking this in to account, kicking a field goal was not a good idea. John Madden advocated the field goal attempt. While I realize that he is a former NFL coach, he is about as coherent as Nick Nolte on a three-day bender, and his senility makes Lou Holtz appear, well, sane.

"Why doesn't this story have a happy ending?"

I don't know, Braylon. Maybe we should just drop it. Well, you already have.